{ pandemian }

{ Contumely }

Dear Peter Hitchens,

I know dear, I know. The modern world is so very strange, isn't it? Not so many years ago you left a woman alone, you knew what she would be doing; cooking or giving birth. But in these distressing times of so-called 'equality' (or, as you so incisively put it, "hysterical ultra-feminist propaganda") they're even allowed to leave the house by themselves and sweet Jesus alone knows what they get up to out of the reach of your protective gaze. Except we do know what happens to them, don't we? The silly little girls have one too many and end up getting themselves raped by some poor lad who is just as unable as you to equate serious intoxication with the inability to consent. I mean, consent! Who bothered about that in your day?

I can only assume this confusion is at the heart of your recent article expressing shock and dismay that women have been known to complain about this:

A rape victim who was drunk deserves less sympathy.

Of course she is culpable, just as she would be culpable if she crashed a car and injured someone while drunk, or stepped out into the traffic while drunk and was run over.

There there. I know it's difficult to grasp the ever-shifting spheres of modern morality. I sympathise. Only last week I was told off for punching a pensioner in the face because she was standing where I wanted to be. Who knew? I mean, she didn't tell me not to. Not loudly enough, anyway.

But, because I'd hate for any future article of yours on the subject to be misconstrued by the "feminist thought police" as the breathtakingly misogynistic, unforgivably poorly-researched work of an astonishingly ignorant rape-apologist, so here's a handy list of some other things that are not, I repeat not, responsible for a woman's rape:

Bacardi Breezers
Being a mathematician
Lipstick
Post-It notes in unorthodox colours
Al-Qaeda
Excessive consumption of microwave meals for one
Standing next to a man on the tube
Liking experimental jazz
Not having a boyfriend
Having too many boyfriends
Communism
Supporting a team other than Britain in the Olympic cycling
It being a bit hot out
Wanton use of unusually advanced vocabulary
The credit crunch
Ill-advised hen night accessories
Hillary Clinton
Making butterscotch Angel Delight in a way not mentioned in the Serving Suggestions
Reading a broadsheet
The 73 night bus to Walthamstow
The woman

I trust this clears up any doubt.

Love,
Jack xxx

{ Negative feedback }

- Thursday -

Debbie, Apoplectic Ebay Buyer
where is the dress? i paid for it on friday and its not here

Jack, Put-Upon Ebay Seller
Your item was posted last Saturday. Please allow another day or two for delivery; first class post can be terribly slow sometimes, anything up to a week in my experience. Please get in touch if it still hasn't arrived by the weekend.

- Saturday -

Debbie
the dress still isn't here i want my money back

Jack
I'm very sorry that it still hasn't arrived; as I said, it was posted this time last week. I'm afraid I do not know what could have happened to it, I can only assume it was unfortunately lost in the post somewhere. I have proof of postage if you would like to see it?

Debbie
what good is that I wanted the dress. this is disgusting , ive never has so much trouble before

Jack
I do offer the option for postal insurance on all my auctions and state that if this is not taken up I do not feel I can be held to be personally at fault for items that get lost en route. I really am sorry about this; Royal Mail have let me down before, hence the insurance option. I will keep my fingers crossed for you that it shows up soon; unfortunately if it does not there is really not much more I can do from this end.

Debbie
Im opening a paypal dispute and they will give my money back

- Monday -

Jack
Good news! Your item was returned to me today by Royal Mail; seems the packaging got torn somehow and it came back in a plastic bag. I have repackaged it extra securely just in case and sent it off to you first thing. Hopefully you should have it soon now, my apologies again for the wait.

Debbie
thats no good the dress was for my daughters 21st bithday at the weekend its useless now. this is an horrendous transaction it was a for a special occasion and i've really been let down.

Jack
I'm sorry to hear this. If you'd like to return the dress to me when you receive it I'm happy to refund you.

- Tuesday -

Debbie
now it will cost me money to sent it back to you and i will have to wait even longer for a refund. and my daughters birthday was completely ruined because of this.

Jack
And I am extraordinarily, magnificently and desperately sorry for both you and your daughter that is was so. I hope that nevertheless she managed to experience a small crumb of birthday enjoyment in another dress, even if it was of lesser fabulousness.

Truly, I would beat the whole of Royal Mail into a quivering mess with my bare hands for the annoyance and inconvenience they have caused to myself and some of the people I have sold items to over the years, if only I could work out with whom to start. You could have a go after me if you liked. It would probably make you feel less angry about things in general; it certainly would me. Just think of the satisfaction of using one of those chunky wooden handled stamps all over their tenderest parts. And the potential for multiple unauthorised uses of Special Delivery stickers brings a tear of pleasure to my eye just contemplating it.

Such distractingly jolly thoughts aside, we remain in this situation. And situations such as these unfortunately do happen, despite everyone's heartiest and most sincere efforts to the contrary and MULTIPLE UPPERCASE WARNINGS on auctions with regards to our personal liability on such matters. I consider that in the grand scheme of things, even with the tenner I'll lose to your refund and your daughter's entire twenties now apparently stretching before her in undressed ruins, we could all be worse off. We could be living in South Ossetia for a start. Nasty.

Your money will be on it's way the very second the dress is back. I suggest sending it Recorded; you never know what can happen to your packages once in the mail system, do you? May Royal Mail smile more benevolently, wholesomely and fecundly upon your next transaction.

Debbie
weirdo